My Favorite Simpsons Quotes

Please feel free to add your favorites...they give me a good chuckle any time.

Bart: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, not quite a puppet, but man... (laughs, then pauses) So, to answer you question, I don't know.

Marge: This is the worst thing you've ever done.
Homer: You say that so often that it lost its meaning.

Homer: Fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

Homer: Here's to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life's problems.

Homer: Lisa, would you like a donut?
Lisa: No thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit.

Ralph: Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!

Homer: There's your giraffe, little girl.
Ralph: I'm a boy.
Homer: That's the spirit. Never give up.

Lionel Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son."

Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. (lie detector blows up)

Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: You were drunk!

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend.

Leonard Nimoy: Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is: No.

Homer: Okay Marge, it’s your child against my child. The winner will be showered with praise. The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore.

Homer: [Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Moe: I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff.

Moe: Looks like it’s suicide again for me!

Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called ... "The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down."

Homer: Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?
Apu: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.

Mr. Burns: I'll keep it short and sweet -- Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

Homer: When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power ... like God must feel when he's holding a gun.

Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah?
Homer: See, I got this friend named... Joey Jo Jo... Junior... Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
(Joey runs out of the bar sobbing)
Barney: Hey! Joey Jo Jo!

Marge; Grandpa, are you sitting on the apple pie?
Grandpa: I sure hope so...

Homer: How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. (Makes sound effects and laughs) Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

Rainier: My new movie is me, standing in front of a brick wall for 90 minutes. It cost 80 million dollars to make.
Jay Sherman: how do you sleep at night?
Rainier: on top of a pile of money, with many beautiful women.

Homer: I'm like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket & flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?

Homer: Bart, I'm not asking you to give blood for free. That would be crazy. You may not realize it now, but when you save a rich guy's life, he showers you with riches. Don't you know the story of Hercules and the Lion?
Bart: Is it a Bible story?
Homer: Yeah, probably. Anyway, once upon a time, there was a big, mean lion who got a thorn in his paw. All the villagers tried to pull it out, but nobody was strong enough, so they got Hercules and he used his mighty strength, and bingo. Anyway, the moral is, is that the lion was so happy, that he gave Hercules this big... thing... of riches.
Bart: How did a lion get riches?
Homer: It was the olden days.
Bart: Oh.

Homer: I have a great way to solve our money woes. You rent your
womb to a rich childless couple. If you agree, signify by getting indignant.
Marge: Are you crazy? I'm not going to be a surrogate mother.
Homer: C'mon, Marge, we're a team. It's uter-US, not uter-YOU.
Marge: Forget it!

Homer: ...And I gave that man directions, even though I didn't know the way, 'cause that's the kind of guy I am this week.

Marge: It's been a whole week. Why are you letting my husband die? What does it have to do with baseball?
Executive 1: Death is a part of baseball.
Executive 2: Oh yeah, the main part.

Homer: Default? Woo hoo! The two sweetest words in the English language: de-fault! De-fault! De-fault!

Lisa: Look on the bright side, Dad. Did you know that the Chinese use
the same word for "crisis" as they do for "opportunity"?
Homer: Yes! Cris-atunity.

Guy: Greetings, good men. Might I trouble you for a drink?
Moe: Oh, get out of here, Homer.
Guy: Homer? Who is Homer? My name is Guy Incognito.
[he gets beaten up and tossed out, unconscious]
Homer: [walks up, looks at Guy] [gasps] Oh my God! This man is my exact
double. [gasps] Oh my God! That dog has a puffy tail!
[he chases it, giggling] Here, Puff! Here, Puff!

Official: If word gets out about this, Krazy Klown Airlines will be a
laughingstock. In exchange for your silence, I'm prepared to
offer your family free tickets to anywhere in the United
States. Excluding Alaska and Hawaii, the freak states.

Homer: Marge, what's wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Is it
gas? It's gas, isn't it?

Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.

Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Homer: Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

Homer: Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender.

Grandpa: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.

Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Homer: Hello my name is Mr Burns, I believe you have a letter for me.
Post office worker: Ok Mr Burns, What's your first name?
Homer: I doooon't know....

Agent: Now when I say 'Hello Mr Thompson' and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer: No problem.
Agent: Hello Mr Thompson (and presses Homer's foot)
[Homer has a blank stare, and then looks at the other agent and whispers loudly...]
Homer: I think he's talking to you.

Laywer: "Well, what about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say Die, Bart, Die?"
Sideshow Bob: "No, that's German for 'The Bart, The.'"
Parole Judge: "No one who speaks German can be an evil man!"

Ralph: "Then, the doctor told me that BOTH my eyes were lazy! And that's why it was the best summer ever."

Helen Lovejoy: We shouldn't be talking about S.E.X. in front of the C.H.I.L.D.R.E.N.
Krusty: Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down!

Bart: Cool! Personalized plates! Barcley, Barry, Barry, Bert, Bort...come on...Bort?
Kid: Mommy mommy! Buy me a license plate!
Mom: No! Come along Bort!
Guy: Are you talking to me?
Mom: No, my son's name is also Bort.

The German Owner: ``We understand, Homer. After all, we are
from the land of chocolate!''
Homer: ``Mmm... The land of chocolate...'' (slips into a dream),
He is called back to reality. ``Oh, I'm sorry. We were talking about
chocolate?''
The German Owner: ``That was ten minutes ago!''

Grampa: Wait a minute! What was that last thing you said? "Grampa's
Little Helper"...what's that? [meekly to animals] Which one of
you is the mailman?

Pilot: We're now approaching our final destination, Itchy and Scratchy
Land: the amusement park of the future where nothing can possi-
blye go wrong.
[everyone looks worried]
Er, possi_bly_ go wrong. Heh, that's the first thing that's ever gone wrong.

Guard: [laughs] There's no need to murmur, ma'am. Here at Itchy and
Scratchy Land we're just as concerned about violence as you are.
That's why we're always careful to show the consequences of
deadly mayhem so that we may educate as well as horrify.
Marge: _When_ do you show the consequences? On TV that mouse pulled out
that cat's lungs and played them like a bagpipe, but in the next
scene the cat was breathing comfortably.
Guard: Just like in real life.
[pause]
[pointing] Hey, look over there!
[family does so, he takes off quickly]

Marge: Oh, I'm so embarrassed I wish there was a hole I could just
crawl into and die.
Officer: OK, throw her in the hole.

Marge: I have nothing to say to you.
Homer: But Marge, I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a
diagram?