How to Survive a Pandemic. Or Epidemic. Whichever's Worse.

With the recent outbreak of what they are calling the "swine" flu, mankind should begin preparing itself for the post-apocalyptic world that awaits us. You might be asking yourself, "but Jason, isn't the country with the world's best health care perfectly capable of treating this like any other flu?" Well, idiot, you'd be wrong. What the government isn't telling you is that the strain of flu is mutating, constantly and progressively. Soon enough, more than 99% of man will be wiped out. "Actually, that seems logical," you are now probably saying to yourself, and "so what do I do?" Thankfully you have me to guide you through the trying times that are ahead.

1) When someone around you contracts the flu, they are going to die. There will be no exceptions, so don't be a sissy and cry about it. Put them out of their misery quickly and move on. The society won't rebuild itself.

2) "I'd better stock up on food now or else I'm screwed once this baby hits!" Wrong. If you are one of the lucky few that is immune to the virus, there will be enough canned and dry food to last you a lifetime.

3) Arm yourself. While you are most likely a rational person, many out there are not. Therefore, you must find some weapons to protect yourself, especially if you are a woman, or a man traveling with a woman. They will be hot commodities, what with the rape and the reproduction and all.

4) Animals will eat you. You know how you live in the city and don't really have to worry about bears? Well, once everyone is gone the bears will figure it out. And you know what bears love? Free food. If you try to befriend one it will probably tear your face off, so beware.

5) Satan may or may not be hanging around. Watch your back.

6) Find other survivors. This can be accomplished by leaving notes on major highways to where you are going, like painting on billboards, sides of barns, etc.

7) Don't get injured before you find a doctor, unless you plan on performing surgery on yourself. Just because you have a medical book does not mean you are qualified.

8) Doctor's and engineers will be in high demand. If you are one, enjoy it buddy, because you will be treated like a rock star. All the woman you could imagine...On the flip side, if you're a rock star, you better have a backup plan. Someone with no applicable skills is apt to be excluded from society.

9) If you happen to find yourself a good woman, and you decide to have a baby, be prepared for the baby not being immune to the swine flu and dying. That is purely speculative, though, I could be wrong.

10) Don't take my shit. There's plenty to go around.

Follow these simple rules and you will find yourself living in the luxury of, say, Las Vegas. Assuming of course you get the electricity working and can provide some sort of service in exchange for goods. The future won't be easy, but with a little hard work, the American dream can, nay, will, live on.

Good luck to you, and let's all hope some of these women survive as well.

Well, that was fun.

The Pirates just lost their best, and my favorite, player for 2 months. Maybe this will give Robinson Diaz the chance I thought he should have gotten this season, but either way we're screwed. Doumit is rightfully pissed, and would play with his hand cut off if he could, but that doesn't change the fact that some people's bodies are just brittle. How many games did Cal Ripken miss again after his rookie year until he was old and washed up? 0? Yea, 0. That game that Doumit missed yesterday, that is more than Cal missed in 15 seasons (guesstimate). I love you Ryan (D), but you just weren't meant for physical sports.

RIP 2009 Pittsburgh Pirates. It was fun while it lasted.

Hot Girls Part Three

Head on over to my blog to continue the voting

Twittering

What the hell is a twitter? Someone please explain to me why writing every thought you have during the day is necessary. Maybe I'm getting old and am starting to understand why old people start falling behind in technology, because this just seems like the dumbest fab I've ever heard of. If I twittered, here would be a recap of my day:

7:55 Alarm sounds, and as I lift my head off the pillow it takes about .03 seconds before I start realizing I'm in for another day of wasting my life away at a pointless, dead-end job.

8:05 Brush my teeth, shave, shower. Maybe sing a little bit? Who knows, but the shower is the highlight of my day until 5:30.

8:20 Eat breakfast. Sometimes it's cereal, sometimes it's a donut. Either way, my stomach is expanding. Just another thing to worry about now.

8:30 Drive to work. Well, not drive so much as sit in traffic. DC is AWESOME!

9:00 Arrive at work and proceed to check MLB scoreboards, Fantasy teams, CNN headlines, Blogs, and basically anything else I fell behind on this weekend.

9:30 Hate my life for the next 8 hours.

5:30 Sneak out of work so my boss doesn't corner me and ask if I'm caught up for the day. It's quite a life I lead.

6:00 Arrive at home after being miserable in traffic, wishing I could put the top down on my convertible without having to endure gas fumes for 30 minutes in traffic.

6:01 Am greeting in my apartment but my girlfriend and puppy, instantly forgetting the crappy day I had.

6:10 Take the dog for a walk, hope that the weather is nice.

7:00 Eat dinner that Leigh most likely cooked because when I cook I don't "count calories." Whatever, win win.

7:30 Watch Seinfeld. I don't think I've seen this one more than 10 times, turn it up!!

8:00 Watch some sort of reality show, doesn't really matter which one. Usually the Pirates game will be playing on the laptop as well. Nothing better than flushing 80 bucks down the toilet to watch them lose (note: they are .500 right now, so it could be worse).

10:00 Head to the bedroom. Maybe I get lucky, we seem to be doing pretty well with that still even after almost 2 years.

11:00 Leigh falls asleep and I finally get some time to myself. I usually spend most of it now either playing Fallout 3, which I am obsessed with, or reading the unedited version of THE STAND, which is over 1100 pages. I think I've been reading it since late February and am only on like page 750. It's getting pretty good though, so it's cool.

12:00 Wash, Rinse, and Repeat. Wouldn't you love to hear about this everyday??

Twittering is stupid, unless you live a more interesting life than I do, which you most likely do.

Sean Burnett + Hanging Breaking Ball + Lance Berkman =

Catastrophe. Somebody take out his knees! I'll give 5 shiny pesos to the first Mexican to cripple Burnett.

How 'bout them Pirates

We are a week into the season and I'm sure the Pirates have so far met or exceeding everyone's expectations. Although it is basically meaningless that they are above .500 so far, I have to point out that the game against the Astros yesterday was perhaps the best game I've seen them play in all facets in as long as I can remember through 'the streak'. Nyjer Morgan will not keep up his pace, they only have 2 quality starters, a weak bullpen, and Andy LaRoche, but there are some positives to look at. For one, Ryan Doumit has ridiculous power. His uppercut swing from the left side is intimidating to say the least, and he's even hitting breaking balls hard. Granted, he has faced some weak pitching, but it's something to build on. Freddie is looking like the hitter who won a batting title, and Jack Flash has been sparkling on D. For as much crap as I have given him the last couple years, you can never say he's not one of the premier fielding shortstops in the league. Hell, even Burnett is perfect so far on the season.

Like I said, it's not like they will keep this up, but it has been fun to watch so far. With this team, they have the potential to hover around .500, especially in a division with the Astros, Brewers, and Reds. But with so many glaring weaknesses, it's not a matter of if, but when, they will collapse. Hopefully it will be early enough so that McCutchen, Alvarez, Tabata, and Co. can get some Big League experience.

Everyone who hasn't yet, please head over to my blog and vote, vote, vote!

Hot Girls Part Deux

Head on over to my blog for Part 2 of the awesomest contest ever.