How to Survive a Pandemic. Or Epidemic. Whichever's Worse.

With the recent outbreak of what they are calling the "swine" flu, mankind should begin preparing itself for the post-apocalyptic world that awaits us. You might be asking yourself, "but Jason, isn't the country with the world's best health care perfectly capable of treating this like any other flu?" Well, idiot, you'd be wrong. What the government isn't telling you is that the strain of flu is mutating, constantly and progressively. Soon enough, more than 99% of man will be wiped out. "Actually, that seems logical," you are now probably saying to yourself, and "so what do I do?" Thankfully you have me to guide you through the trying times that are ahead.

1) When someone around you contracts the flu, they are going to die. There will be no exceptions, so don't be a sissy and cry about it. Put them out of their misery quickly and move on. The society won't rebuild itself.

2) "I'd better stock up on food now or else I'm screwed once this baby hits!" Wrong. If you are one of the lucky few that is immune to the virus, there will be enough canned and dry food to last you a lifetime.

3) Arm yourself. While you are most likely a rational person, many out there are not. Therefore, you must find some weapons to protect yourself, especially if you are a woman, or a man traveling with a woman. They will be hot commodities, what with the rape and the reproduction and all.

4) Animals will eat you. You know how you live in the city and don't really have to worry about bears? Well, once everyone is gone the bears will figure it out. And you know what bears love? Free food. If you try to befriend one it will probably tear your face off, so beware.

5) Satan may or may not be hanging around. Watch your back.

6) Find other survivors. This can be accomplished by leaving notes on major highways to where you are going, like painting on billboards, sides of barns, etc.

7) Don't get injured before you find a doctor, unless you plan on performing surgery on yourself. Just because you have a medical book does not mean you are qualified.

8) Doctor's and engineers will be in high demand. If you are one, enjoy it buddy, because you will be treated like a rock star. All the woman you could imagine...On the flip side, if you're a rock star, you better have a backup plan. Someone with no applicable skills is apt to be excluded from society.

9) If you happen to find yourself a good woman, and you decide to have a baby, be prepared for the baby not being immune to the swine flu and dying. That is purely speculative, though, I could be wrong.

10) Don't take my shit. There's plenty to go around.

Follow these simple rules and you will find yourself living in the luxury of, say, Las Vegas. Assuming of course you get the electricity working and can provide some sort of service in exchange for goods. The future won't be easy, but with a little hard work, the American dream can, nay, will, live on.

Good luck to you, and let's all hope some of these women survive as well.